.Saturday, August 21, 2010 ' 10:22 PM♥.
somehow i decided to revive this blog slightly.. i feel that perhaps this can be a diary that i can refer to regarding what had actually happen in my life. maybe 10 to 20 years later, when i read this, i could roughly recall wad happened in my life..=)
looking at this blog.. started 2 yrs ago.. my theme is "wad is this world all about"
wow.. all i can say is that i truely matured a lot these two years.. i guess those who had known me shd noe.. i m beginning to mature,the world is not as perfect as wad i once thought.. perhaps i m overly optimistic..but i do have to admit that i m sad when i first knew reality.. but i do feel that, "hey! w/o all these, i don't learnt anything!" and if i m still so simple minded till i enter the workforce, i guess the impact i get will definitely be much more painful for me..
looking back, i feel upset over my aunt.. had been dreaming of her but i noe it is because i missed her badly..i noe she's gone.. forever.. i feel guilty.. guilty for not making an effort to spend more time with her.. cos i guess i was selfish.. my top priority was my mother.. i live for her, i want her to be happy.. i will make an effort to go out with her, talk to her because i love her.. but i do love my aunt.. tt y i feel realli guilty. for not spending the extra more time with her..
i reali missed gg out with u.. gg shopping.. till the day when i wanted u to be optimistic, i told u to recover and i'll bring u out to shop..i nv had this chance anymore. and i guess the last shopping with u was b4 cny when we went out and u told me that the black flower dress was nice.. and i bought it.. i will alwas rmb..=) I HAD NV TOT THAT THIS IS OUR LAST SHOPPING TRIP! T.T
suddenly i wan to learn cooking, my mum duno how to cook.. and u were the one with those skills which i said years ago, i wan learn from u.. yet i learnt nothing.. till now.. hais.. i realli realli regret..
i will never forget yr birthday.. two yrs ago, we were actively seeking for a job.. we went interviewing at jp and as we were filling up our particulars, i realised that it is yr birthday today! shame on me.. i did not memorise yr birthdate..but, u also forgot that it's ur bday..x= but i noe u will alwas rmb mine..(someone who would buy me a little cake on my lunar bday..even when i am in camp, i din even noe that my bday had passed, u will still rmb, buy a cake and keep it in the fridge for me every year..) back to that day.. we met small aunt for dinner and we were dere teasing u asking small aunt to treat u cos "it is yr birthday!" lol.. i wont forget.. and neither did i expect, two yrs later, u left us.. on yr bday.. that is too much of a coincidence.. seriously.. u had been well on the day after ur operation.. and everyone is anticipating u to return home soon..maybe a month more, u will be at home resting.. no one had expected this to happen.. no one.. not even the doctors.. hais..it reali breaks my heart seeing u lying on the bed.. all u could say is pain and u cant even open ur eyes.. i rmb visiting u thrice on sat.. and sunday b4 heading home.. you din open ur eyes to look at me..=( the docs cant do anythingto get the clot away.. but at that time, i was still optimistic, thinking that perhaps u will be fine.. the clot will go away by itself.. it will..i guess i m optimistic but more of it is that i fear..i fear u leave us and i m just escaping from reality..tinking of smth good will make me feel better..perhaps.. but monday, ur condition worsen. the blood clot is increasing and the docs had no choice but to push u into the op theatre. nite, i wanted to see u badly..i m afraid.. tuesday, you were in icu..ur head is swollen and ur body is so small..i rmb u saying that u were 35 on fri..and this few days, no food for u at all..u did lost a lot of weight in this battle.. =(( we went back to sg to buy yr things to prepare for the worst.. feeling heartache but i tried hard to control my tears.. i noe u r the one who is feeling horrible..and u duno wad is happening to u..all u feel is pain.. i bet u will feel scared if u hear ppl crying..so i tried hard to control.. and while buying ur things, i still have that little glimpse of hope that hey! maybe u will be fine.. yep..cos one more min u are on earth..there is still a little hope that i feel.. but at 6pm.u were back in op theatre. docs are trying to stop ur bleeding.at 8plus.. we were packing and gg back to grandma hse.. T.T the ambulance will drive u back soon, take out ur oxygen mask.. i noe there is realli no chance.. no more.. u will leave us.. v soon..once u reach home.. i guess it is all predestined.. u were suppose to reach home at 1030pm.. 1.5 more hours to yr birthday.. mum and small aunt had predicted and wanted u at least to live past the 1.5 hr..at least till ur bday.. small aunt said that it is easier to rmb and kinda special if yr bday and yr goodbye day is the same day.. i do feel so too.. =/ well, i guess its realli predestined.. seriously.. received a call from uncle.. something that i would nv ever had tot of or expected.. "there is no ambulance driver tonight.they will arrange a driver for u tomo." wow.. its reali realli destined..
everything happened too quickly.. stunned.. sad.. confused.. worst, grandma still doesn't noe what happens.. till wed.. i guess the person who is the most upset will be her.. u are her little precious.. she dotes on u even though u are a girl..wed.. finally, we told grandma.luckily she managed to take it..considering her age and her health.. everyone was v worried abt her.. wed.. i rmb at evening u were finally backed.. i helped in choosing yr fav clothes, earrings for u to bring it to ur the other world.. yr bday cake.. but i guess u were strong and determined..u gave up right after u landed on the ground at uncle's hse.. i guess that is my strong aunt. the strong person who will wan to save her last breath till she reaches home...
YYY
