.Thursday, October 21, 2010 ' 6:50 PM♥.
wow.. i cant believe that i m year 3!! okie.. abt this sem.. not so bad.. jus that i had two irritating modules that is getting on my nerves. with one super crazy module which may haf a surprise test and it's nt easy coping with tat.. it's more of a shock test that surprise test.. -.- anw, it's recess week!! yeah!! shd b happy!! haha...but i m kinda lazy that's why i m here nw.. when i'm suppose to do smth now..=X haha.. okie la.. met up with dear almost every wed to eat and mug.. otherwise, there's realli not much time to meet up though..=x
somehow along the daes, 5 mths had passed, u were still in our hearts.. every little bits happened and we can still rmb ur voice, what will be yr reaction to this events, yr face.. everything... i had nv thought that losing someone close is that painful..even more painful that i had ever imagined.. ppl changed becos of u.. in a good way.. planning trips to our desired places and living life to the fullest.. u made me changed in a way that i shd reali treasure my time in this world and everyone ard me.. live without regrets!
YYY
.Saturday, August 28, 2010 ' 8:39 PM♥.
omg.. cant believe that my 4 mths long of hols is ending soon.. jus one day more.. hais.. somehow, dun realli look forward to it at all.=( though i once thot that it will be nice to be schooling with dear in the same school.. can meet him for lunch.. but jus.. dun feel like so now.. maybe it's because dere are bound to be some disappointment that makes me feel so.. apart from that, it's because.. argh.. another new sem.. again! haf been thru 4 sems liao.. still got 4 more to go.. it feels like, it's just another sem of chiong n stuffs.. though i got a rather not bad timetable..
anyway, slightly emo sia.. my pet which somehow found its way to my hse and lived with us for almost 2 mths..it seems to be weaker and weaker nowadays.. it's something that people seldom keep as a pet.. but somehow it's here, so me and my mum took care of it. it is so xin fu lor. we fed her with meat almost every day.. LOL.. she is super picky and loves fish.. super xin fu cos she wont eat till u put the food in front of her mouth, then it will eat..a typical picky animal sia..
haha..now, it seems to be that her time is gg to be up now.. she seems to be very weak and now, it cannot crawl well and kept falling down from the window, where she stayed..hais.. nvm but i mus be happy that this little pet did brought us joy.. =) hehe..
YYY
.Saturday, August 21, 2010 ' 10:25 PM♥.
today, went back to grandma hse.. cos we are gg to the cementery where you are at now.. reached grandma's hse at 12am.. omg.. and den we did some packing for tml.. till ard 1plus, zhezhe came to me and asked me to remind him to bring along a card for u.. smth which i felt realli touched.. he realli put in an effort to make someting for u.. so sweet of him.. but i guess yr love for everyone is felt even to little kids.. and him.. a ten yr old boy..
his definition of heaven is butterfly! his efforts realli made me feel touched by him.. i m sure aunt will be v happy and touched to see his little letter..
jus feeling rather emo.. though these days, i dun wanna think of u..but at the back of my mind, somehow i still felt that this is jus a dream.. that u are at somewhere.. but not here.. cos we had been separated for abt 2 yrs though we still meet there and then.. but somehow.. perhaps, i guessed it is just me who has not accepted the truth.. i have to admit that i am jus avoiding.. avoiding the thought.. avoiding the fact.. i noe i haf to stand up..
somehow, life still goes on for me.. but sometimes, i realli wished u were with me.. i haf so much to tell u.. those can range from domestic and simple things. and also major things.. sometimes, i jus feel like telling u.. cos i noe u will be listening and ur character is rather closer to me than others.. that makes me realli wanna tell u.. i duno why.. though i mus admit that i haf a bf that u like, somehow, i jus feel that i dun wanna tell him everything..not becos i haf smth to hide, but jus becos,i dun wanna be too dependent on him.. i jus feel that he is my bf.. bf, he may haf the possiblity to leave me somedae..but u, u are my close kin..someone who will b dere for me.. alwas..
looking at ur sisters and brothers, i can truely feel that they do miss u.. seriously, and granny, she still hasnt accepted the fact..
i guess in this 4 mth long vacation, i had two great jobs.. as receptionist and admin. i reali met nice ppl and i realli enjoy my job.. other than that, my life is still not so bad.. but i must admit that this is realli the biggest change in my life.. and i noe i must get over and stand up soon.. as it has been 3mths plus alr..dun worry. i noe and i will stand up one day..and i haf to say "every bit of you will always remain in my heart."
and i mus say, i realli thanks my frens who are being dere for me when this realli big change happened.. thanks for ur calls and smses to ensure that i m fine and of cos yr doughnuts..(u shd noe who u all are) thanks!
YYY
somehow i decided to revive this blog slightly.. i feel that perhaps this can be a diary that i can refer to regarding what had actually happen in my life. maybe 10 to 20 years later, when i read this, i could roughly recall wad happened in my life..=)
looking at this blog.. started 2 yrs ago.. my theme is "wad is this world all about"
wow.. all i can say is that i truely matured a lot these two years.. i guess those who had known me shd noe.. i m beginning to mature,the world is not as perfect as wad i once thought.. perhaps i m overly optimistic..but i do have to admit that i m sad when i first knew reality.. but i do feel that, "hey! w/o all these, i don't learnt anything!" and if i m still so simple minded till i enter the workforce, i guess the impact i get will definitely be much more painful for me..
looking back, i feel upset over my aunt.. had been dreaming of her but i noe it is because i missed her badly..i noe she's gone.. forever.. i feel guilty.. guilty for not making an effort to spend more time with her.. cos i guess i was selfish.. my top priority was my mother.. i live for her, i want her to be happy.. i will make an effort to go out with her, talk to her because i love her.. but i do love my aunt.. tt y i feel realli guilty. for not spending the extra more time with her..
i reali missed gg out with u.. gg shopping.. till the day when i wanted u to be optimistic, i told u to recover and i'll bring u out to shop..i nv had this chance anymore. and i guess the last shopping with u was b4 cny when we went out and u told me that the black flower dress was nice.. and i bought it.. i will alwas rmb..=) I HAD NV TOT THAT THIS IS OUR LAST SHOPPING TRIP! T.T
suddenly i wan to learn cooking, my mum duno how to cook.. and u were the one with those skills which i said years ago, i wan learn from u.. yet i learnt nothing.. till now.. hais.. i realli realli regret..
i will never forget yr birthday.. two yrs ago, we were actively seeking for a job.. we went interviewing at jp and as we were filling up our particulars, i realised that it is yr birthday today! shame on me.. i did not memorise yr birthdate..but, u also forgot that it's ur bday..x= but i noe u will alwas rmb mine..(someone who would buy me a little cake on my lunar bday..even when i am in camp, i din even noe that my bday had passed, u will still rmb, buy a cake and keep it in the fridge for me every year..) back to that day.. we met small aunt for dinner and we were dere teasing u asking small aunt to treat u cos "it is yr birthday!" lol.. i wont forget.. and neither did i expect, two yrs later, u left us.. on yr bday.. that is too much of a coincidence.. seriously.. u had been well on the day after ur operation.. and everyone is anticipating u to return home soon..maybe a month more, u will be at home resting.. no one had expected this to happen.. no one.. not even the doctors.. hais..it reali breaks my heart seeing u lying on the bed.. all u could say is pain and u cant even open ur eyes.. i rmb visiting u thrice on sat.. and sunday b4 heading home.. you din open ur eyes to look at me..=( the docs cant do anythingto get the clot away.. but at that time, i was still optimistic, thinking that perhaps u will be fine.. the clot will go away by itself.. it will..i guess i m optimistic but more of it is that i fear..i fear u leave us and i m just escaping from reality..tinking of smth good will make me feel better..perhaps.. but monday, ur condition worsen. the blood clot is increasing and the docs had no choice but to push u into the op theatre. nite, i wanted to see u badly..i m afraid.. tuesday, you were in icu..ur head is swollen and ur body is so small..i rmb u saying that u were 35 on fri..and this few days, no food for u at all..u did lost a lot of weight in this battle.. =(( we went back to sg to buy yr things to prepare for the worst.. feeling heartache but i tried hard to control my tears.. i noe u r the one who is feeling horrible..and u duno wad is happening to u..all u feel is pain.. i bet u will feel scared if u hear ppl crying..so i tried hard to control.. and while buying ur things, i still have that little glimpse of hope that hey! maybe u will be fine.. yep..cos one more min u are on earth..there is still a little hope that i feel.. but at 6pm.u were back in op theatre. docs are trying to stop ur bleeding.at 8plus.. we were packing and gg back to grandma hse.. T.T the ambulance will drive u back soon, take out ur oxygen mask.. i noe there is realli no chance.. no more.. u will leave us.. v soon..once u reach home.. i guess it is all predestined.. u were suppose to reach home at 1030pm.. 1.5 more hours to yr birthday.. mum and small aunt had predicted and wanted u at least to live past the 1.5 hr..at least till ur bday.. small aunt said that it is easier to rmb and kinda special if yr bday and yr goodbye day is the same day.. i do feel so too.. =/ well, i guess its realli predestined.. seriously.. received a call from uncle.. something that i would nv ever had tot of or expected.. "there is no ambulance driver tonight.they will arrange a driver for u tomo." wow.. its reali realli destined..
everything happened too quickly.. stunned.. sad.. confused.. worst, grandma still doesn't noe what happens.. till wed.. i guess the person who is the most upset will be her.. u are her little precious.. she dotes on u even though u are a girl..wed.. finally, we told grandma.luckily she managed to take it..considering her age and her health.. everyone was v worried abt her.. wed.. i rmb at evening u were finally backed.. i helped in choosing yr fav clothes, earrings for u to bring it to ur the other world.. yr bday cake.. but i guess u were strong and determined..u gave up right after u landed on the ground at uncle's hse.. i guess that is my strong aunt. the strong person who will wan to save her last breath till she reaches home...
YYY
.Monday, June 28, 2010 ' 10:06 PM♥.
On the bus, an old lady and her husband caught my eyes. They look rather old, with lots of wrinkles on their faces. Probably in the late 60s or 70s. Before alighting, the old woman stood up and tapped her card, followed by her husband's. She alighted the bus first, held on to his arms to ensure that he doesn't fall. I alighted at the same bus stop as them. The old man seemed to have some difficulty in walking. But he did not use an umbrella or any walking stick. I guessed the presence of his wife beside is his best walking stick. =) I was walking behind them. Their hands were clasped together and they started walking slowly. I felt that it is super duper SWEET. At such an old age, they are still dependent, loving and they still have each other. Perhaps, that is true love, which is something that i feel that it's realli realli realli magical...
For me, i had thot of this question on what on earth is true love. Perhaps, it is to love someone with all u haf.. someone who was once a stranger but somehow just entered into ur life.. and u began to like him.. someone whom u will be kpo to know what he is doing every moment.. who makes u feel sad when u haf to part for the day..makes u miss him when u dun get to see him for a few days and a week seems super duper long without ur presence..initally, it will be a honeymoon and whatever he does is super sweet to u.. but perhaps as the honeymoon period is gone for abt 3 mths, it would no longer be as sweet as before.. he may not be that concern abt u that much as b4.. and u will feel that the things he does arent sweet as it is not the 1st time that it is happening.. (for eg, the old couple mentioned above, i bet the 1st time when they held hands, it was sweet,but now, it becomes a normal routine..) but perhaps, it is something that one have to learn and the love gets stronger as the days passes.. though it is no longer the feeling of feeling scared when u 1st saw him, the heart racing when he 1st held ur hands, but he became someone whom u would want to care and shower him with love..the unconditional love that u are willing to give, accepting both his negative and positive traits.. i guessed confrontation is very important in order to remain in a good relationship. in this way, problems would then be solved and unhappiness can be prevented rather than feeling upset over things and hoping that it would be fine the next day... in this way, it would eventually lead to a huge mountain. confrontation allows them to iron out their feelings and solve it, thus leading to a better relationship. for a couple, even if they are separated, little things do bring back lots of memories of him..the feeling is realli weird.. something that i do not know how to describe..after 2 yrs, or even 3 yrs, they are still thinking of each other,(like in hai pai tian xin) i guess, perhaps that is true love..
YYY
.Tuesday, June 15, 2010 ' 11:34 PM♥.
today is my last day of job for my one week plus assignment as a receptionist.. wow.. wad i can say is that the job is really very slack and nothing much to do.. but there are lots of couriers that i had to receive and send out.. other than that the time is realli wasted.. so i began to read newspaper, read a book(it's a realli nice mystery book), draw..(yes i draw! cos i m too bored..) thinking and day dreaming and last but not least, to ransack the pantry.. =X k la.. i do enjoy the job with nice colleagues dere w/o seeing any monsters dere.. yep.. and also it's nice to be paid to sit dere and do v little tings though the morning and evening peak hour is sooo squeezy in the train and i've practically spent 12 hours outside in a day, sleeping 5 to 6 hours a day as I can fall aslp at night.. perhaps it is my biological clock that i have to reset..
YYY
.Monday, June 14, 2010 ' 11:33 PM♥.
haven been blogging since nearly one year ago! tt is quite long.. well, things hadn't been pretty well this yr.. i decided to save this entry to my dearest late aunt..
though it had been almost a month since she left us, the memories of her were engraved in my heart and i will alwas rmb u. we had been living tog for 19 yrs. someone who is too old to be my sister, too young to be my mother.. nevertheless, u doted on me and looking back, i realli felt that i was once spoilt by u.(i nv forget the few mths when i wasnt used to sleeping on the double deck bed.u gave up ur bed for me to slp and u, u slept on the floor for mths.i do feel bad thinking of it now.. but realli, thanks for giving me the love all these years..i love u)
u were the one who protected me.u were the 1st to noe when i had my 1st boyfriend. u were the one who contacted me when i was abt to go for my stitches..and after hearing ur voice, i realli felt like a kid and wished u were beside me consoling me..smth which my mum would not do.. u were the one who listened to my problems and gave me advice whenever i nid u. gg msia shopping with me after my exams..someone who chats with me the latest show.. someone who deliberately pei me watch horror show when i m scared till u fall aslp when u hav to wake up super early the next day..ha..though i m nt sure u rmb, but i do..
life is realli weird w/o u now..i miss your voice, ur laughter, ur mian fen quay, liang cha, and many more food that u cooked well.. but, i noe u are going to heaven(like wad i told little yuanzhe), u left but u r free from the pain and suffering.. so the onli thing i can do now is to move on and accept this truth and protect my family.. Love u lots..
YYY
